Dealing with Difficult Players or Parents

I have to be one of the luckiest coaches in history. I have coached for over 20 years and can count on one hand the amount of confrontations I have had with parents about their kid’s playing time or role on the team. To be fair, outside of the four club years with my daughter’s teams I have strictly coached varsity boy’s high school or men’s college teams. Parents tend to let young adults deal with those issues on their own, but I also think there are little things you can do, as a coach, that will reduce those issues (more on that in a bit).

On the rare occasion I’ve had these discussions it is never fun and certainly not easy. Generally speaking, parents have tunnel vision; they only see what is best for their child. They also tend to have an over-inflated view of their child’s abilities. There is one constant that all coaches must understand… it will be your fault if their child doesn’t play more or have a larger role. Self-evaluation is difficult; it’s even harder when you are evaluating your own child.

Now that we understand most parents’ point of view, we are a little more equipped to handle, or better yet, limit these difficult conversations – regardless of playing time and role. I believe there are two pillars to effective leadership, communication and honesty. Both of these ideals will make your coaching life easier in the long run.

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When dealing with difficult players or parents you must be honest; you can’t sugar coat things. It is imperative for team success that they understand your point of view and there can’t be any grey area. Do not promise anything you can’t deliver just to get out of an uncomfortable conversation. Never compromise the group for any one individual or parent.

I believe a lot of these situations can be avoided with constant communication with your players. The more you talk to your players the easier it is to see when they are unsatisfied. Do NOT avoid it. Ask them what’s up. Deal with it head on and remain honest (but don’t be a dick about it). They may not like your response but they will respect your approach. If you let it fester you may lose that player, or worse, that player will start talking to other players.

“…it will be your fault if their child doesn’t play more or have a larger role. Self-evaluation is difficult; it’s even harder when you are evaluating your own child.”

As I think about my days as a player in the context of this discussion, two stories jump out at me:

First, I remember playing a particularly difficult exhibition game. It was the kind of game the players looked at it as an exciting challenge to show how good we really were. It was also the kind of game our coach probably knew we were heavily outmatched on the road and stood little chance of putting up much of a fight. The coach made a very unusual change to our starting line-up that day. He started someone (we’ll call him Craig) in the back court with me that played very few minutes and usually played in defensive roles. We got killed that day and Craig was exposed as a mediocre defender and really struggled offensively against that level of competition. I was a captain and had a good relationship with the coach so after the game I asked him why the change was made. He told me Craig had been complaining about minutes and felt he was the best guard on the team and should be starting. The coach tried communication and honesty but he couldn’t get through to Craig so his last option was to show him. Sometimes honesty can be uncomfortable, but the film session later that week showed Craig why he was not ready yet. More importantly it gave him valuable information on what he needed to improve. After that game and film session I don’t remember Craig complaining around the team for the rest of the season.

The second story involves the same coach. We were playing a home game against a team we would have been favored to beat. I played a particularly poor game and found myself on the bench for the last five minutes of a close game. We eventually lost and this was my first experience on the bench during crunch time. I did not handle it well. I truly believed that if I had been out there we had a better chance to win. It angered me. Right after the post-game talk by our coach I followed him out of the locker room and told him what I thought. He tried communicating to me that he was doing what he felt would give us the best chance to win at that point. I didn’t like the answer so I called him at home that night to talk further. The next day before practice I confronted him again. Finally, we agreed to disagree (reluctantly on my part). It wasn’t until many years later when I had been coaching for a while when it hit me. He was saving me from myself. I didn’t deserve to be out there at the end of that game. I had already had my chance to affect the game and didn’t do a good job. He was doing what he felt was best for the team. I saw him a few years later and recalled the story. I am not sure he even remembered the incident but I reassured him that he was 100% right, and that I now understood.

Unfortunately communication and honesty aren’t always met with open arms. It is your job as the leader and coach to ensure that disagreement does not affect the team negatively. Communication lines must remain open. Sometimes it’s okay for players to openly disagree with you. Good leaders are not dictators; good leaders are open communicators, great listeners and honest people. Constant, honest communication will result in parents and players who understand your view and align with the team’s goals and direction.

On that note, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite coaching/dad moments…

My daughter floated between the 11th to the 8th player on our depth chart in the four years she played for me. I approached her one day to talk about her lack of playing time. She cut me off before I could get started…. “Dad, I know you are only doing what you feel is best for the team, it’s ok. I’ll keep working and see if I can move up”…. are you kidding me? My 12 year old daughter already understood what took me years to figure out. It made me cry.