Being a Coach’s Wife

Being a coach for a sports team – a really good coach – takes time and energy. We all know this. Beyond the obvious, successful coaches also have a few other things going for them: strong leadership skills, ability to delegate, a talent for teaching and, in my opinion, the most important thing; support at home.

Being a coach’s wife is not an easy task. Granted, it helps that I understand the game of basketball having played 100 years ago, but the concept of the game and being a former student athlete never prepared me for what it was going to be like being married to a head coach. People and athletes don’t truly think about the time it takes to be a coach. Really and truly think about that commitment. Sure, they know about practice nights and game days. Tournament weekends and some of the things behind the scenes. There might be texts and emails helping a player through a difficult situation and you know there will always be sleepless nights after a tough loss, but do people and players really know??  Do they ACTUALLY think about the spouse and kids this coach leaves behind night after night and season after season?

“I won’t lie there were really tough years. Over the course of a season and at several stages of Calley and Sydney’s lives Brian could always count on 3-4 meltdowns from me but I always picked myself up.”

I have been Brian Jonker’s wife for 20 years. We have two daughters, Calley, 18 and Sydney, 14. They have only known their dad as a coach. They have napped in the bleachers and thought that eating dinner in their car seats was something every kid did. Packing jammies and blankets for late night rides home after dad’s game was simply part of their childhood. All of that might have appeared to be inconsistent and irregular for little ones but it was the norm for them. It has not always been easy but we made it work. Here are a few things I have learned along the way:

• It takes loads of patience.
• It requires an ability to adapt.
• It tests you in ways you didn’t think were possible.
• It teaches you about independence and puts your personal strengths and weaknesses into play almost daily.

And all of this over the course of just ONE basketball season. Throw in teething babies, whining toddlers, dinner time, bath time and weekends he’s away. It’s fair to ask how marriages can survive ONE season much less years and years of them.

People wonder how Brian and I do it. More specifically, how I do it. My answer is always the same. I have never NOT known him as a coach. This is the way it’s always been. I knew it entering the marriage and knew it when we decided to have a family. His coaching was going to be part of our relationship and part of raising our girls. His commitment to coaching was there from the beginning. There was going to be time spent at a gym or with his team and that meant there was going to be time spent away from home. Yes, THAT part was always a struggle. But, coaching made him who he was. I won’t lie there were really tough years. Over the course of a season and at several stages of Calley and Sydney’s lives Brian could always count on 3-4 meltdowns from me but I always picked myself up. It was pointless to complain about his schedule. I just learned to deal with it and NOT hold any pity parties for myself the minute he walked out the door. I was left to man the operations at home and on occasion it felt as though I was a single parent. That feeling would inevitably bring on resentment, guilt and/or a certain bitterness tossed in Brian’s general direction. All in all I truly believe that MY ability to settle in to this routine and MY independence has made our marriage and relationship stronger. I also honestly believe it’s made me a better person and even better mother.

“It’s difficult for me to hold any grudges when I stand there watching him from the bleachers with such pride. His passion for the game and utter excitement reach every one of his players.”

I remember a conversation he wanted to have when he was offered the head coaching position at Mohawk College. This came after years of coaching at the high school level and achieving many accomplishments there. The difference was, at this stage Calley was 6 years old and running about and I was bouncing Sydney on my hip. I am sure for him approaching me about taking this job was like approaching a mama bear and her cubs. I felt as though I had already put in my time. It was a long night filled with heavy conversation but the right decision was made. In taking the position I watched him turn a struggling college program into a national champion and more importantly help “players” become students who went on to graduate. I see the way they listen to him, react to him and simply WANT to play for him. It’s difficult for me to hold any grudges when I stand there watching him from the bleachers with such pride. His passion for the game and utter excitement reach every one of his players. He creates a family atmosphere that his players never want to leave and it’s always so fun to be a part of. In my opinion that has made all the sacrifices over the years 100% worth it.

Related Article: ‘Being a Coach’s Daughter’

As Cal and Syd have gotten older, my being left with the tasks at home became easier and easier. The meltdowns were less frequent and have all together disappeared. The girls and I enjoy getting to know the players and at the beginning of every season we like to host a team dinner at our house. The guys have become more like family and even better, we’ve become friends. There are personal connections for both myself and the girls that were never there in the past. We are invested and genuinely excited for a season to start. Where I used to count the days until the season ended, I now almost hate to see it come to a close. Truth be told, the end of a season means the coach is home more and that in itself can be an adjustment for all of us!! Of course, there are always new challenges (our teenage daughters having activities of their own) but all in all, season after season, I find we hit a stride and seem to roll with it.  We now look forward to piling into the car and making those long trips so that we can share in game winning shots, moments of glory and national championships. All of us. Together.

As it turns out I am not just the coach’s wife – I am also a fan.